moonbeam65

This is a very special morning for me. I am 156 lbs and the BMI calculator said that my BMI is within the normal (ideal) range. I like this word- ideal. So I went for a walk in the rain… Seattle is a fall city now and it means gray sky and rain, rain, rain… I walked thinking that I should feel different being in the “ideal” range… I tried really hard to focus on me being “normal” today… and suddenly I felt it! My legs felt stronger and lighter. My pants felt very loose. My bra was too big… Those were not a “normal” BMI person’s clothes. They were my “fat” clothes. Then I touched my face and couldn’t find plump cheeks… I found smooth, toned skin.

I am rambling here but really, it’s like transferring into a different realm. I did it first in my body and now I am doing it in my mind. I want to stop these inner cries to myself that I am fat. It;s time to reaffirm that I am NORMAL. And I have a goal to become even better. What a switch from being so embarrassed and critical of my weight and thinking that I am a fat middle aged woman to thinking that I am normal (ideal, still love the word!) and improving.

I also wanted to share with everybody who responded with encouragement to continue work on my marriage that we did patch things up. We came up with the plan to make it work. Kindness, tolerance, patience, and lots of talking. We will get through it…

We are going to Hawaii tomorrow. A week in Hawaii is a honeymoon we did not have after our wedding.

Tom just told me that he is going to “kick my ass” with more walking. And you know why? Because he likes what he sees now. He even told me that soon I will need to buy something revealing to show my improving figure. I offered to buy a “French Maid” outfit…haha.

Gotta run pack up my snorkeling gear. I am still catching up with summer. Yay!

Happy Tuesday everyone,

Tatiana

People, this walking challenge is working. I am 158 lbs. I weighed 167lbs at the beginning of the challenge on September 4th.

Amazing. I look and feel so much better. At this rate I may reach my goal of 145 lbs by Thanksgiving. I am so grateful for the “Fat March” show and for having Ellen as a friend who agreed to start a challenge. Also for Matt and Zina. And for my husband who walked with me so many miles.

Things are not good between Tom and I. I need to work on myself to get rid of judgments and expectations that no man in the world can meet. Wait, there was a man who could probably meet my crazy, unreal expectations based on novels and movies. You know, that ideal “knight in shining armor” that never showed up? Oh well, his white horse got sick….

Anyway,  the first year of marriage, as I hear from so many people, is the worst one. It’s a fine job to tune into your spouse and compromise. Strangely, walking helps me to process negative emotions and relax my defenses. Maybe I should look into kickboxing?

Thanks for your kind thoughts and supports, my wonderful buddies,

Tatiana

Good morning dear Slimmers,

I am back to Seattle and was able to weigh myself after almost a week in Pittsburgh. I finally broke through 160s and my scale registered 159lbs. Oh happy morning, happy me!

I took a day off from walking yesterday. I think my body needed it. My legs feel 100% better. I need to remember to take a day off once in a while to treat my body with rest and quiet.

Food wise I am still missing (NOT!) my evening hungry monster that drags me to bingeing. I try to eat every three hours and start eating when I a little bit hungry, not starving.

Definitely, I am inspired even more to continue with walking after the weigh-in. Honestly, I had thoughts of giving up due to pain in my ankles… The tiny voices in my head have been telling me that it’s a legitimate reason to give up the challenge because I am still in pain.  I recognize the voices though. Sabotaging, pitiful, little voices. They have told me things like that before and look where I ended as a result. At 175lbs as a worst weight of my life.

I am not giving up our walking challenge. It gives me consistency in workouts and accountability. My walking buddies, Ellen, Zina, and Matt (hey Matt, I miss you!) keep me in check.

Thank you for all your love and support,

Walking Tatiana

Happy Wednesday all the wonderful BuddySlim people!

 I just realize that Pittsburgh will be the city where I finish my frist 100 miles of the Thanksgiving challenge. I have my personal cheerleader (no, he is not wearing a skirt and doesn’t have pompons, but he does look cute) and a walking buddy. My husband took the challenge seriously. He wants us to walk 8 miles a day and there is no stopping him.

Now there is a kind of painful part. After purchasing VS things, I talked to him about his desires and wishes…. and discovered that his image of a sexy woman is somebody with a cute little butt, wearing black lingerie, and being toned and skinny…. I am size 12. And I am not going to reduce my hips surgically. I feel a little bit discouraged. Don’t get me wrong, this is the first time he actually said something like that. He is loving and supportive and has been this way since the day we met (I was size 10, not skinny and not little).  Maybe he felt that he could share this with me because he saw me walking ever day and being so determined to lose weight? I don’t know….

He sensed my reaction and apologized hundreds of times. He came up with lots of ideas to support my exercise regime and healthy eating. He even suggested to hire a personal trainer. But still I am a victim of mass media production that aims for a skinny hot 20-year old body. I will be 42 in October and I had given birth to my son. I need to reconcile his right to have this image with his real feelings for me and focus on what feels good for my body type and age. And still….

Tatiana

Yes, today I bought a few things, a very pretty ones, at Victoria Secret.

Size L. No more XL for me. I also got a pair of pants that are quite tight on me but after 300 miles they will be just fine. In the last episode of the Fat March people tried the old clothes on and they were really big.

I hope I can experience the same feeling of pants falling down. I should have the same feeling because we are walking these miles way ahead of our plan.

I am not hungry in the evenings. I am too tired to be hungry. Last night dinner was a peach. Tonight - 6 mushrooms with shrimp. Am I “eating” my own fat like Ellen’s trainer suggested?

This Iphone loses connection to the server every two minutes. I better finish.

Miss you all,

Tatiana

When Fat March meets Skinny March? On vacation in Pittsburgh. This is my 6′2 and 180lbs husband and I. He was so excited to show me his favorite places in Pittsburgh that we walked all day long for hours.

I am not able to write a long blog as I am using my IPhone only until I am back to Seattle. I miss you all and will catch up in a week,

Tatiana

Good afternoon my dear BuddySlim people. What can I say? This site has inspired me so much and people here held my hand when I was down and doubted myself. For that - THANK YOU!

Miles: 62 miles done and 238 still to go. I am still walking and still in pain. I asked Zina and other walkers to share with me their progress and adaptation to walking. Their response was to keep going and it will go away. It did go away from my hips. However, my ankles are still in pain and I have to take short breaks when I walk.

Weight: I started at 167 and now I am 163lbs. The size 12 pants are loose. And some of the clothes I wore last summer fit okay now. What’s interesting is that I don’t have my usual hunger in the evenings. I am too tired to eat and just want to lay down and chill.

I am an emotional eater and can relate to everything Matt writes about his struggle with night eating. It’s not about a specific time for me though. I eat when I am anxious, depressed, and bored. I welcome any suggestions from people who battle the same demon. Right now I am very anxious… I would appreciate your help.

Tatiana

It has been on my mind for a long time. Tom and I are going to Pittsburgh this Saturday. I will see his family second time after the engagement party last December.

Last time his family saw me, I was slimming down for the wedding dress and weighed 14 lbs less. I wore size 10 and was confident and glowing. And nervous like hell. Checking my engagement ring all the time, smiling like a Russian doll, and trying to be friendly with everyone.

10 months later, 14 pounds heavier, I am terrified. In the past, I would have starved myself for a specific date or event. I would have stopped eating… only water or juice and that would be it. I would have easily lost a pound or even two a day. And after doing such terrible things to my body, I would have eaten everything in sight and gaining back 10 lbs a week.

I am not doing this anymore. However… I still think about it…

I need to tell myself that people in Pittsburgh probably have more important things to worry about than my weight gain. That I should think about getting to know them better, have fun, relax, and be myself.

Years and years of yo you dieting. Trying to fit into a perfect dress and be a perfect size. Desperately gaining weight back and not being able to stop the spiral. Comforting myself with food and hating my binges the morning after.

The most terrible critic and judge sits in my mind and nags at me constantly. It’s just hard to get rid of that thinking, you know. That voice that says, “stop eating, drink water, you will lose weight, no big deal.” Every time I need to perform or think about being judged, I panic. I am not a teenager anymore, why do I feel this way?

Well, that was a vent.

I’ll go do my walking. It will do me good.

Thanks for listening,

Tatiana

I am feeling a liitle down today because of the sad memories related to this day.

Matt said in his blog that it’s kind of weird to talk about weight loss and diet today.

I am thinking about resiliency, about our ability to bounce back from trauma and continue on going… and I am finding similarities in our personal struggle with getting back on track, becoming healthy and joyful again…with our resolution to never give up…

Death in any form is terrible. A sudden Death from the airplane controlling by a crazy fanatic, or a premature Death from eating everything in sight and not moving and being lazy… it’s wrong, it’s plain wrong… because it could and should be prevented.

I find more strenght today in sorrow and sad memories.

Tatiana

Ellen Degeneres
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

George Bernard Shaw
You see things; and you say “Why?” But I dream things that never were; and I say “Why not?”

Ralph Marston
Your goals, minus your doubts, equal your reality.

Lee Iacocca
You’ve got to say, I think that if I keep working at this and want it badly enough I can have it.

Author unknown:
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking places.

Thomas Jefferson:
The sovereign invigorator of the body is exercise, and of all the exercises walking is the best.

Harold Wilkins: Weight Loss Quotes
The world of achievement has always belonged to the optimist.

Heraclitus:
There is nothing permanent except change.

Swedish Proverb:
Those who wish to sing, always find a song.

Elie Wiesel:
Ultimately, the only power to which man should aspire is that which he exercises over himself.

Harriet Beecher Stowe:
When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.

Quintus Horatius Flaccus Horace: Weight Loss Quotes
Who has courage to say no again and again to desires, to despise the objects of ambition, who is a whole in himself, smoothed and rounded.